I just have a really hard time discerning what meaning is and how I can utilize it. I try to keep myself occupied with the things that make me happy. Although this happiness is welcomed, I also feel a deep emptiness all the while.......even through the happiness.
It's like a grimacing choke hold, a choke hold on my mental capacity. It is being blocked by my failures and disappointments... and the heart breaks. I've tried closure from all the events of my past, but they continue to haunt me, like a demon commissioned to follow me all the days of my life.
How can I break free? As I acquire knowledge I just find myself seeming even more helpless when I'm forced to evaluate all that I've done to change the world. It is minuscule in comparison to what I could of done. I am an atheist. So there is no one to console me in times of deep thought.
Deep thought which brings me meaningless objectivity, meaningless because we as humans live to serve are genes purpose, we procreate so they can survive. So what more meaning can that leave for me; the human vessel? Am I just a mechanical pawn carrying out evolution? And if so, what intelligent purpose is behind evolution being able to prevail, in spite of its improbability as a random phenomena?
So many questions, so few answers. I will now continue my journey toward euphoria.
Also check out "The Selfish Gene" By Richard Dawkins, amazing book and interesting take on the purpose of genes and organisms as vessels.
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